Exploring My Artistic Journey: A Reflection on Growth and Inspiration
My artistic journey is winding.
Young Childhood
I honestly don't remember much about my interest in art or creative self-expression in childhood. That may be because it is so natural for kids that nothing stands out. However, I remember that as I got a little older, I was very aware that drawing wasn't a strong suit.
That. That, essentially, is why I only started painting for my own pleasure at 40.
As humans, our brains process so much information, allowing unique and significant information to filter through. So it's no wonder that exceptionally skilled child artists and makers are the ones society notices, praises, and reveres. At the same time, conformity and sameness are welcomed as they create a sense of comfort in our bodies. So, we look for the unique within a context we know, understand, and are comfortable with. Therefore, being good at drawing or painting things that resemble items we recognize in our worlds becomes the standard for being a "good artist."
All of that explains why, until recently, I've never seen myself as an artist.
Older Childhood
I watched HGTV-type shows before HGTV existed. This Old House, some guy who made furniture using only hand tools, people cooking things, it was all fascinating to me. I remember my dear grandmother coming into the living room and saying in Russian, "What are you making?" We'd laugh, but 30-some-odd years later, I realize that I could have actually been making some of these things I was seeing, but I didn't know it was actually possible for me. I thought, "That's something those people were good at. I just watch them," googly-eyed, wishing I could do it too.
There was one thing I did try my hand at, however. Interior Design. Armed with the knowledge I'd learned from TV, I would rearrange knick-knacks and decorative items that my parents had in our house to make them look their best. My mom recognized this, and whenever we were out buying things for the house, which wasn't particularly often, I'd tag along and help with the design selections and arrangement once they came home. I loved this; it lit me up so much that I dreamed of being an interior designer someday.
Not being familiar with the field and out of concern for my future financial security, my parents advised against it. I took their word for it.
Young Adulthood
A peek into my brain: It's college application time. What on earth should I do for the rest of my life? I'm, like, 17 years old. How am I supposed to know that? I don't feel anything calling to me, not anything that can make me money, at least... well, I have a good sense of logic and understand computers better than many people around me. I grew up in a family of programmers and IT people, after all. I guess... Computer Science? Yeah, might as well...
So, decision made, I started applying to technical schools and got into NJIT. Come orientation day, the presenter announces that IT is a new major offered by the college, and my dad suggests I do that instead. It seems better aligned with my skillsets and interests. Ok, sounds good.
So that's what I did. I went to NJIT for IT with a concentration in Multimedia. Multimedia! It's design-focused. While there, I did as many creative classes as I could find. Digital music, analog photography, web design and development.
Career
The career that most aligned with the college I went to and that seemed like the most stable for my future was web development. So that's what I did, and I quickly found myself out of my league and not having fun. Other developers were much better than me, which I now realize is not a fault of mine but that those people really liked web development, and I did not. I didn't care to stay up on the latest technology and trends. I was just here for safety - to make sure I had money.
It went on like this for years. I jumped between a few jobs until I landed at a design firm, where I've stayed for over 15 years. I work closely with other creative people; some have nurtured my natural connection with design and creative work - no matter how much I didn't see it. I was convinced I was not an artist or creative, but I'm thankful I had one mentor who saw the truth and stuck it out with me.
Family
As I continued my career, I started a family with my husband. We had 3 kids, first a boy and then twin girls. I'd always been drawn to having a family and kids and never expected to find it as hard as it is. So, a job where I felt safe and flexible enough to accommodate my family commitments was very convenient. I knew I felt unfulfilled, but I was scared to make any changes, so I didn't.
Eventually, our first family home felt extremely tight, and I wanted out. I wanted more, bigger. So we did just that. We moved to a bigger house in a nearby town. I had wanted something in a slightly more rural area, with a neighborhood feeling and sidewalks. Apparently, this isn’t very common. Eventually, it came down to two houses, one more rural and the other with sidewalks. We had to pick a house soon; our current home was sold and we had to move out soon. We went with the neighborhood and sidewalks.
Boy, did I go through some serious buyer's remorse. I felt rushed to make the decision in the first place. The house had lots of quirks, it was on a bigger street than I’d wanted, yadda-yadda... but it was the right size and had a good amount of land. Was all of this worth it? Did I make the wrong decision? That’s a huge decision to get wrong…
Enlightenment
It wasn’t wrong. It just took a while to find out the house was exactly right. Ideal, even. It took me a couple of years to make changes to it, decorate it, make it uniquely mine. Our family was able to spread out, the kids were getting older, I didn't feel confined. I felt the real me peeking through the underbrush. I dove headfirst into self-help books and podcasts and started making space and time for me. And then, one day, I found Ali Edwards, who was talking about art journaling and self-expression. I’d never heard of such a thing, but when I looked her up and saw what she was doing, I had an epiphany. I needed to do this. I immediately bought her art journal, ordered a cheap set of paints, and got going.
I allowed myself to do this only because I knew the purpose was putting feelings and expressions on paper and that it didn’t have to be pretty. It was the first time I did any painting or art-tangential work that I had no expectations for. It didn’t need it to be anything, and no one needed to see it. I could just be free.
Over time, I found myself looking back through my journal and really enjoying interacting with my previous work. I liked the texture, how it made the pages thick and crinkly as I turned them, and most surprising to me, I liked how they looked! So much so, I bought a pack of pre-stretch canvas and started painting.
Connection to Nature
Simultaneously, I'd been continuing to connect with my home. During the warmer months, I was outside, clearing out junk from the woods behind our house, building a path to draw people in to explore our little slice of nature and just being. I started learning about the plants popping up all around me, researched foraging options, and had another beautiful epiphany. I NEED nature. I need to be out there as much as possible, and I need to work symbiotically with it. I started composting, something I've always wanted to commit to, I plucked little flowers (without depleting them), and began incorporating them into my art. All of this was made possible by this perfect house for me. It just took a while to realize it.
My sense of self and self-confidence was growing and building to the point where I was ready to share my work online. I received positive feedback from family, friends, and people I didn’t know. They liked my work! What a shock to me. This was so outside of my previous characterization of myself.
Finally, I felt a calling to sell my art. I mentioned it to my best friend, and she said, “Yes! I’ve been wanting to suggest that to you but didn’t want to add any pressure!” This was it. I felt so strongly pulled to start taking my art seriously. I was ready to invest in it. My background in web development showed its real purpose here. I quickly made a website, put my art up for sale, and started looking for craft fairs where I could sell my work.
Starting a Business
Which brings us to now. I’ve been accepted to my first craft fair this fall, and I’ve been excitedly painting up a storm to build inventory for it. For the first time, I feel like I have a lot of work to do, but I’m excited about it! This is unlike anything I’ve ever done before. It feels scary and vulnerable, but 100% right.
Here’s to believing in yourself, following your intuition, and taking a leap of faith.
Have you ever done anything like this? Is there something you’ve been pondering to jump into? Tell me in the comments! I'd love to hear from you.
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